


In Another World (we could have had more)

by AdoreAdore54



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 1930s, 2010s, Angst, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bottom Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes is a Virgin, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Kink Meme, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Rating May Change, Sort Of, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Top Steve Rogers, kink meme fill, sad Steve, sad bucky, steve rogers will fight everyone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-02-10 14:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12913416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdoreAdore54/pseuds/AdoreAdore54
Summary: Steve has always been worse at following rules than Bucky. So when it comes to their relationship, he should have known that Bucky would be liable to deny all feelings beyond friendship for fear of being found out. Steve just wants to be accepted for who he is.Based on an avengerkink prompt that asked for rule-following virgin Bucky and experienced Steve meeting again in the present day. The prompt wouldn't leave me alone and it turned into something with more angsty back-story than was probably required.





	1. You mean too much

**Author's Note:**

> The original prompt:
> 
>  
> 
> _"Steve was always sort of fearless, so when he figured out he liked guys (Bucky most of all, but Bucky always seemed straight), he arranges all sorts of hook ups. He actually has quite a bit of experience, and just plays along when Bucky drags him on double dates._
> 
>  
> 
> _Bucky also like guys (Steve, in particular), but he's much more of a rule follower than Steve and doesn't want to get them in trouble, so he goes out with girls and plays the part. But he never actually lets it get anywhere with any of them, ending things before they go too far._
> 
>  
> 
> _Skipping ahead 70 years later after Steve wakes up from the ice, he's got a lot of experience despite what the Avengers think. But the Winter Soldier has never been with anyone, because he'd gone straight from the war to being treated as a weapon, and he never got the chance._
> 
>  
> 
> _Now that Bucky's recovered, Steve plans to make sure he has a good first time."_
> 
>  
> 
> I've strayed from it a bit because I forgot about the details when I started writing... but it follows the general idea of the prompt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is set pre-Captain America: The First Avenger.

Steve was used to getting into fights. He was used to getting beat up. He was used to his mother, and then Bucky when she passed, taking care of his wounds while he healed.

He wasn’t used to waking up in his bed to see Bucky sitting on a chair across from him looking pale and bruised and like he hadn’t slept in days. Steve wracked his brain to try and remember what had happened.

The last thing he could recall was squaring up to some assholes who’d been picking on a kid in an alley. He must’ve been knocked unconscious, but that wasn’t unusual, it didn’t explain why Bucky looked so distraught. He shifted slightly in an attempt to sit up and groaned at the pain shooting through his body as a result.

Bucky was standing next to him in an instant.

‘You’re awake!’ The dark-haired man helped pull him up so we was leaning against his pillows.

‘Mm… did I win?’ Steve deadpanned, trying to break the intense atmosphere he could feel in the room. Bucky didn’t laugh.

‘No, Steve, you lost. You lost badly,’ Bucky’s voice was strained and he let out a sigh as he lowered himself to perch on the bed next to Steve, his movements slow as if he, too, were in pain. That was worrying.

‘What happened?’ Steve gestured to Bucky’s face which, now that he was close enough for Steve to examine in detail, he noticed was pretty cut up. There were red marks across one of Bucky’s cheeks, as if he had been cut, and the skin around one of his eyes was a disturbing purple colour.

Bucky shook his head. ‘Don’t worry about that. How are you feeling?’

‘In pain. But I’m more concerned about you. Tell me what happened, Buck.’

Bucky rubbed his hands over his eyes, flinching when he pressed against the bruised one.

‘I found you in an alley round the back of the hall.’ Steve nodded, he remembered that that was where he was when he caught the guys picking on that kid. Bucky continued, ‘You were on the floor, unconscious, and – and bleeding – Christ, Steve, there was so much blood. I thought you were dead.’

Bucky ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath before he continued. ‘There were four guys around you, kicking you, and you weren’t responding. You looked like a rag doll. I started fighting them off. Think I took them by surprise cause there was a moment where they didn’t respond, and I managed to get between you and them. They started fighting me, but I don’t think they’re used to fighting anyone other than kids and little guys,’ Bucky waved his hand dismissively at Steve’s affronted expression, ‘Then one of them,’ Bucky’s voice cracked and he paused, trying to regain his composure before he continued, ‘one of them pulled a gun. They had a _gun_ Steve. They could have killed you.’

And suddenly Steve understood why Bucky looked so upset. Because, when he thought of those guys drawing a gun on Bucky, he felt physically sick. He knew Bucky was feeling the same way at the possibility that they could have done the same, and worse, to Steve.

‘Bucky,’ Steve’s voice was barely above a whisper. 

‘Luckily someone must’ve heard the noise by this time and called the cops cause they showed up before the guy could shoot. But it could have been so much worse.’ 

‘Bucky I’m sorry.’ Steve knew it wasn’t enough. He always knew there was a high chance of him being seriously injured when he got into a fight, but he was willing to put his life on the line for others. But this was different. Bucky could have died defending him, and Steve sure as hell wasn’t okay with gambling with Bucky’s life. He knew Bucky felt the same way about him. 

'I could have lost you, Steve. I can’t lose you. You mean too much to me. I-‘ Bucky cut himself off, burying his face in his hands. After a moment he looked up into Steve’s eyes. ‘Steve, I-,’ he cut himself off again. 

'You what, Buck?’ Steve asked quietly, not wanting to break Bucky’s train of thought, but desperately wanting he hear what came next. 

‘I-,’ Bucky sighed and looked down at his hands. He shook his head and Steve could see Bucky's expression turn guarded. ‘You mean too much to me,' he repeated. 

And there it was, the avoidance. Steve knew the two of them were constantly dancing around their feelings, leaving unspoken so much they wanted to say, neither of them wanting to cross that line first. Because, yes, they did mean a lot to each other, but it was more than that. Steve _knew_ it was. He knew they felt things for each other friends didn't usually feel. 

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the pillow. ‘You mean too much to me too, Buck.' 

\----- 

The day passes and Steve is still in a lot of pain, his body still needing time to recover. He feels himself drifting in and out of restless sleep. Sometimes when he wakes Bucky is gone and Steve can hear him in a different part of the flat, making food or tea; sometimes he wakes to Bucky’s soft snores as he sleeps in the chair opposite Steve’s bed; but, mostly, he wakes to Bucky sitting on the end of the bed staring at him, his expression unreadable. 

Eventually Steve falls into a sleep that lasts more than an hour, and when he wakes it’s dark. He can feel Bucky’s body next to him and realises he must have crawled into bed beside him at some point. 

Steve sighs. This is typical of Bucky. The dark-haired man is afraid to say anything aloud that would betray his feelings for Steve, afraid to make concrete anything between them that couldn’t be explained away as ‘close friends’. And yet, sometimes, he holds Steve to him like he’ll never let go, or he’ll slip into bed with him when he thinks Steve is asleep and stroke his hair or press his face to Steve’s neck. 

It hurts. It hurts Steve that Bucky won’t admit there’s something more to their relationship than friendship. It hurts that Steve knows he himself isn’t brave enough to admit it either, for fear that he might push Bucky away. It hurts that they have these moments where Steve can imagine what things could be like between them, only to have them ripped away come morning. 

Steve turns over slowly to face Bucky and is surprised to see that the other man is awake. 

Steve expects him to move away once he realises Steve is awake, but he doesn’t. He remains looking straight into Steve’s eyes with an expression revealing so much pain that Steve has to force himself not to look away. 

Bucky, who is usually so guarded and controlled, looks more vulnerable than Steve had ever seen him. The dim light coming through the half-closed curtains reflects off unspilt tears in Bucky’s eyes. 

Steve reaches out and takes Bucky’s hand in his, the dark-haired man immediately linking their fingers together. 

‘Steve, I’m sorry,’ Bucky whispers. 

Steve squeezes his hand and shushes him. ‘It’s okay,’ he murmurs. Because it is. It’s okay that Bucky won’t acknowledge this thing between them. It’s okay that they will forever be stuck in this state of wanting more but never having it. It’s okay that they will remain pining for each other without ever admitting it. _It’s okay_ , Steve thinks, _it’s okay because it hurts like hell but he understands why it can’t be more_. 

Bucky shakes his head, ‘No. No it’s not.’ 

A long silence stretches between them, broken only by the sound of their breathing as they look at one another in the darkness. 

After what feels like a lifetime, Bucky inches closer to Steve. Steve, hyper-aware of Bucky’s mouth only centremetres from his, feels the tension between them increase tenfold at the movement. 

He doesn’t want to break the moment by pushing too far so Steve stays frozen in place as he looks between Bucky’s eyes and his lips. 

Their breathing seems louder now and Steve can feel Bucky’s breath ghosting across his face. 

Bucky moves again, angling his mouth towards Steve’s, but stopping before their lips touch. His expression is still so open and Steve understands that his look is questioning. _Is this alright? Is it what Steve wants?_

Steve wets his lips with his tongue and nods his head slowly, not breaking eye contact. And then they’re both moving their lips towards one another and, in the moment just before their lips touch, Steve can feel electricity running through his body in anticipation of something he’s wanted for as long as he can remember and resigned himself to never getting. 

And then they’re kissing. 

Bucky’s lips are rough and cracked, but to Steve they feel like the most pleasurable thing in the world as he moves his own against them. The kiss is slow and gentle and uncertain, both of them not wanting to push the other too far, wanting to make sure this is what the other wants. Both of them savouring the moment and basking in the feelings rushing through their bodies. 

After a while their lips break contact, but their foreheads remain touching. They stare open-mouthed and panting at each other, before Bucky murmurs ‘Steve’ and then they are kissing again. This time the gentleness has gone, replaced by desperation and longing. Steve lets go of Bucky’s hand and reaches around to hold him, pulling his hips against his own. 

Bucky makes a pleasured noise into Steve’s mouth and pushes his leg between Steve’s thighs, his hand reaching up to Steve’s hair. 

There’s sudden noise outside as a group of men walk across the street shouting at each other, and Bucky and Steve pull away from each other sharply, the moment broken. 

Bucky’s eyes dart up to the window and the half-open curtains, even though no one can see into Steve’s room on the second floor. 

Bucky’s on his feet in a second and Steve struggles to sit up and reach for him. 

‘Buck, it’s okay,’ his voice sounds scratchy with arousal or fear or maybe both. 

‘No. No, Steve, I can’t do this.’ Bucky avoids Steve’s eyes as he turns to leave. 

‘Bucky, please don’t go,’ Steve’s voice sounds small and desperate and Bucky pauses. Then he shakes his head and walks towards the door. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he mutters, and then he’s gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I deviated from the original prompt a bit by having them kiss before the 21st century. (I got carried away writing and forgot the details of the prompt. Sorry, OP!). But I hope that this still works anyway.
> 
> Let me know what you think, and if it's worth continuing. :)


	2. Natural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky talk about what happened, and Steve gets approached by a strange man in a bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, everyone, for your comments and kudos on the last chapter - it really means a lot! <3
> 
> This chapter was originally going to include the events of the next chapter too, but it started getting long and waffly so I've separated it.
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains some internalised homophobia on Bucky's part.

Bucky avoids Steve for the next couple of days. Well, no, he doesn’t avoid him as such, he still checks on Steve regularly and brings him food multiple times a day, but he doesn’t stick around long enough for Steve to ask him about what happened.

It’s not until Steve feels strong enough to walk again that he manages to corner Bucky long enough to discuss it. When he wakes two mornings after he initially came round, he feels a lot stronger than he has before, and finds it in him to be able to walk into the kitchen.

There he finds Bucky sitting at the small table in the corner, reading the paper. The morning light streams through the small window and hits the side of his face, resting softly on his features and picking out usually imperceptible lighter strands in his dark hair.

Steve takes a moment to imagine a world in which he could wake to this every morning. To walk over to Bucky and wrap his arms around him. To eat breakfast together as they discuss events reported in the papers. To kiss him goodbye on his way to work, and come home to an evening spent in his arms. He shakes himself out of that train of thought before he gets too lost in it and clears his throat.

‘Hey,’ he greets Bucky, walking towards the table and taking a seat.

Bucky smiles and, despite the awkwardness that has hung between them for the past two days, relief that Steve is okay rushes over his face.

‘You’re up. How are you feeling?’

‘Better thanks. Still sore but I think your soup has managed to heal the worst of it.’

Bucky’s smile widens, ‘My ma always did swear by it when I was sick as a kid.’

Steve studies his friend and sees that Bucky’s wounds also look less severe than they did. ‘How’re you holding up?’

‘Oh I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, I’m made of stronger stuff than you.’

Steve huffs out a laugh. ‘Jerk’

‘Want tea? I was about to bring you some.’ Bucky’s already on his feet and heading towards the counter where he has indeed already laid out a mug.

‘Yeah, thanks.’

Steve cups the warm mug when it’s handed to him, the steam coming off it soothing his still aching face.

‘Well,’ Bucky hasn’t sat back down at the table and instead is awkwardly standing half way between it and the door, ‘now that you’re up, I’d better head back to mine.’

‘Don’t go yet, we need to talk about what happened between us,’ Steve blurts out and is surprised at how stern he’s managed to make his voice, considering the fact that his stomach feels like it is currently tying itself in knots.

Bucky drops his eyes to the floor. ‘No, we don’t.’

‘No, I suppose we don’t. But I want to.’

‘There’s nothing to say, it was a mistake, let’s just forget about it,’ Bucky replies, still not meeting Steve’s eyes.

‘I can’t, Buck. I need to know how you feel,’ Steve feels the desperation seeping into his voice. He wants Bucky to look at him, or at the very least to acknowledge what had happened between them. They can’t go back to pretending there was nothing between them now. At least, Steve thinks, he can’t.

Bucky sighs and sits down at the table, but still doesn’t meet Steve’s gaze.

‘I was just confused, Steve. I thought I’d lost you and I was so happy to have you back that I-‘

Steve cuts him of before he can get any further. ‘That’s bull and you know it! Come on, Buck, we don’t lie to each other.’ Skirt around the truth and hide their true feelings, yes, but they didn’t lie.

‘What do you want me to say?’ Bucky raises his voice and finally meets Steve’s eyes, but this isn’t what Steve wanted to see. Bucky looks so lost and confused and, most of all, angry.

‘The truth! I want to know how you feel about me.’

‘You’re my friend, Steve. My best friend. That’s all.’

Steve’s incredulous. ‘You kissed me!’

Bucky’s eyes widen and he looks around the room, as if worried there’s someone in there with them eavesdropping. ‘Keep your voice down!’ he hisses.

Steve rolls his eyes.

‘No, Steve, this isn’t a joke. If anyone found out, if anyone so much as suspected-‘

‘I’m not going to tell anyone, Buck.’

Bucky drops his head into his hands and takes a deep breath. When he meets Steve’s eyes again, he has a forced look of calm on his face.

‘Look, Steve, things are different for me.’

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

‘I mean… This is what you do. You take risks, you get yourself beat up, you don’t seem to care if you get hurt. But I do. I hate seeing you hurt and if we carry on with this then that’s how we’ll both end up. I’m not like you. I can’t risk that.’

Steve’s mouth drops open. ‘I can’t risk hurting you either. I don’t _want_ to risk that. But acting like there’s nothing between us is hurting us both. I’m not asking you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with. I just- I just want to know if you feel the same so I can stop torturing myself. If you don’t, then I’ll drop it. You have my word. And if you do and genuinely don’t want anything to happen again then I won’t make you, I won’t even ask you to talk about it again unless you want to. And if you do want something between us, then we can take that slowly too. I just need to know, because all this uncertainty is killing me.’

There’s a long silence and Bucky looks as if there is a battle raging in his head. Sadness and anger and confusion and vulnerability chase each other across his features until Steve can’t read what he’s feeling any longer. Eventually he seems to come to a decision.

‘Maybe,’ he starts, and then pauses to inhale deeply before continuing, ‘maybe it wasn’t a mistake. Maybe I’ve- I’ve wanted to do that for a while.’ 

Steve feels his heart flip and finds himself waiting with baited breath for Bucky’s next words.

‘But that doesn’t mean it can happen again. What if someone found out? It’s- it’s not _natural_ , Steve.’

‘It felt natural to me,’ Steve’s voice is soft.

Bucky thinks again. ‘Maybe that’s not the word. But whatever it is, what happened between us is, it’s wrong.’

Steve feels the word puncture his chest. _Wrong_. He closes his eyes before the tears that are threatening to spill over can do so.

‘The way we feel about each other is wrong?’ Steve chokes on the word.

‘We could get arrested, Steve.’

Steve’s eyes fly open. ‘That doesn’t answer my question. Do you think the way you feel about me is wrong?’ 

Bucky stutters in the force of Steve’s question. ‘I- no! I mean, yeah. Yeah, maybe.’

Steve feels himself shatter. ‘It doesn’t feel wrong to me.’

‘I don’t know, Steve. I just – it doesn’t matter how we feel. We can’t do this. We just _can’t_. I can’t risk it. I can’t risk you.’

‘So you do feel something?’ Steve knows he’s pushing it, but he’s so desperate for confirmation, one way or the other, so he can finally understand.

Bucky pauses and then nods ever so slightly.

‘It doesn’t matter, though, it doesn’t change anything,’ he murmurs.

Steve nods in understanding. ‘It matters to me.’

‘I know. And I wish things could be different, but they can’t. You know they can’t.’

Steve nods again, he does know that, but that doesn’t mean he’s okay with denying how they feel. He just needed to know if Bucky felt the same. If Bucky would accept his feelings.

‘So what now?’

Bucky rubs his eyes. ‘We carry on as normal. We stay friends, we acknowledge our feelings, but we move on. Because anything else could be suicide.’

Each word out of Bucky’s mouth stabs Steve in the chest. But he meant it when he said he wouldn’t ask Bucky to do anything that made him uncomfortable, so he agrees.

‘We should meet some girls, take them on dates, see if that will help us get over,’ Bucky gestures between the two of them, ‘this.’

Steve doesn’t think he can get any words past the lump in his throat, so he just nods.

 

\---

 

Later that week Steve finds himself on a double date with Bucky and two women. They’re seated in a cosy booth at a bar, drinking and making small talk. Steve’s date is pretty and funny and seems genuinely interested in what he’s saying. She did her best not to look too disappointed when they were first introduced and she'd realised that she'd - quite literally - drawn the short straw. She has even complimented his eyes. 

Only a few days prior, Steve would have felt like all his dreams had been answered.

But things were different now. He’d thought that finally having a definite answer from Bucky would help him move on, that now he knew there wasn’t a chance of anything between them, he could put it behind him, or at least start to explore other options. But, on the contrary, he finds himself even more stuck on what could have been. He finds he can’t concentrate on what his date – Lilian he thinks her name is – is telling him because he’s hyper-aware of Bucky’s arm draped around the back of his date’s chair. He can’t relax into the conversation when all he can think about is how much he wants to be able to go home and crawl into bed with Bucky again.

Half of him wants to reverse time and stop himself from ever kissing Bucky in the hope that he can continue his life in a state of anticipation that something might happen between them. Because this knowing that things are at an end for them is more painful than Steve could have imagined. 

The other half wants to reverse time and kiss Bucky all over again. Pausing that moment and living in it forever. 

All of him wants to be anywhere but here right now.

He looks around the table and sees that everyone’s glasses are almost empty and offers to get the next round. There are already several people waiting at the bar to be served and Steve is grateful that he has an excuse to get away from the table and the group for a few minutes.

He perches on a stool and starts checking he has enough money to buy drinks for all four of them. A man comes to stand by the stool next to him, and Steve shifts slightly so the guy has room to swing his legs round as he sits down. The bar is fairly small and there is not much room between the seats.

‘Thanks,’ the guy mutters and Steve offers him a brief smile before returning his eyes to the money he’s counting.

A moment later, the man speaks again.

‘Date not going too well, huh?’ It takes Steve a second to realise this stranger is talking to him, and, when he does, he frowns up at him.

‘Excuse me?’ What right does this man have to comment on his dating skills? Steve has to try very hard not to square up to him there and then. The last time he got into a fight at a bar, it didn’t end too well for him, and he was still healing from his last bust up. He was pretty sure Bucky would kill him if he got into another fight so soon.

‘Hey, I mean no offense,’ the man lifts his hands up in surrender and smiles kindly, ‘I’ve just been there, is all. I can relate.’

Steve takes a moment to look over the man properly. He has a distinguished air to him. He looks to be in his 40s, with slightly greying hair, and fine wrinkle lines decorating his face. His smart clothes look expensive and Steve’s pretty sure that just one of the rings on his fingers costs more than all of the jewellery his mother left behind combined. 

Steve is weary, but the man doesn’t look like he's trying to insult Steve. On the contrary, his expression is one of understanding.

Steve hesitates before answering. ‘It’s actually going okay as far as dates go.’

‘Really?’ the man raises an eyebrow, ‘You might want to tell your face that.’

Damn. Was it that obvious? Steve had thought he’d been doing a good job of feigning enjoyment. At least outwardly.

‘She’s just,’ Steve pauses, ‘not my type,’ he finishes lamely.

The man nods, and Steve could swear there’s a knowing look in his eye.

‘Your buddy’s idea?’ he gestures in Bucky’s direction.

‘Yeah. He’s better at this sort of thing.’

The man tilts his head and stares at Steve as if sizing him up. 

‘I used to have a friend who would take me out on double dates with girls too. They weren’t my type either.’ The man’s tone sounds casual to anyone who might overhear it, but, this close, Steve can see that there’s something in his expression suggesting there’s more to his words. Steve feels his heart start to race as a wave of nerves rush over him. This stranger can’t know anything, can he? Steve hasn’t told a soul and he’s certain Bucky hasn’t either. He doesn’t know what to say in response, and isn’t sure he could say something even if he did, his throat is suddenly very dry.

The man must read some of the panic in Steve’s face because he nods to himself and reaches into a pocket. Steve is reminded sharply of Bucky’s words _’they had a gun, Steve'_ and he feels his breath catch, already trying to work out how to shield himself. But the man pulls out a slip of paper and Steve relaxes, feeling a fool. The man wouldn’t risk pulling a gun out in such a public place. Steve tries to make his breathing return to normal.

The man hands the paper over and Steve glances at it to see it contains an address he recognises as one of the fancy houses a few blocks from his.

‘If you want to have a drink with your buddy somewhere where you don’t have to bring a date,’ the man points to the address, ‘we’re open Thursdays and Fridays, eight o’clock onwards. Tell them Georgie sent you.’

Steve stares at the man open mouthed, but the stranger – Georgie, he supposes – simply smiles and nods and heads back to his table without further comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm not as happy with this chapter as the last one - it feels a bit fillerish - but I wanted to get it out the way so the next chapter could focus on the start of Steve's 'hookup' journey. 
> 
> The next chapter: Steve visits the mysterious address.


	3. A place of understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Gabe in this story isn't the Gabe from the Howling Commandos - I just really like the name and forgot that there was already a Gabe in the Captain America verse... Oops.

Steve walks up to the grand house slowly, his fingers worrying themselves against each other. He momentarily regrets not asking Bucky to come, Steve usually let him take the lead when they met new people as he's much better as knowing what to say and do. But Steve thinks back to their conversation and knows he made the right choice coming alone. He couldn’t bring himself to broach the subject with Bucky again, the other man had made it perfectly clear that he’d rather just move on from the whole thing, and Steve had promised that he wouldn’t ask him to talk about it unless he wanted to. No, if Steve wanted to find out more about what his feelings meant, he’d have to do it alone.

The building seems quiet and unassuming, and Steve can’t see any signs of activity, not at all what he was expecting. He triple checks the address written on the paper before reaching for the elaborate door knocker. 

After a moment, the door opens to reveal a young woman dressed in a smart pantsuit. Her nails and lips are painted a bright red, contrasting sharply with the dark greys of her suit. She looks Steve up and down.

‘Can I help you?’

Steve feels himself flush; this can’t be the right place. Maybe he’s been set up, maybe he’s got the address wrong. He still can’t hear any sounds of people inside.

‘I think I might have the wrong address. Sorry to bother you, ma’am.’ Steve goes to turn away.

‘Who told you to come here?’ the woman asks before he can.

‘Georgie.’

The woman breaks into a warm smile. ‘Then come right in, darlin’’.

She holds open the door and gestures for Steve to walk past her. He walks into an entrance hall bigger than his entire apartment.

The woman smiles at his awed expression and places a hand gently on his arm.

‘Follow me.’

She leads him past the grand staircase in the middle of the hall and down a long corridor until she stops outside a door. Steve can now hear the music and noise of conversation that he’d expected to be greeted with at the front door. She opens the door and steps back to let Steve in first. He stops in his tracks at the sight he’s greeted with.

The room is even bigger than the entrance hall, but its elaborate decoration of warm dark colours and plethora of worn-looking chairs and couches around small tables gives it the cosy intimate feel of a room half its size. Along one wall stands a grand-looking bar made of dark wood with plush stools lined in front of it.

There are people standing in clusters around the room, sitting at the tables, dancing to the music, and waiting at the bar. There are men dancing with other men, women sitting on each other’s laps, and Steve can’t help but be shocked, but no one else is batting an eyelid. On the contrary, the atmosphere is warm, jovial, and relaxed. Women holding hands and men who have their arms slung around each other are laughing with a man and woman who are wearing wedding rings and sharing a plush armchair. Once Steve has gotten past the shock of seeing such outward displays of affection between people of the same gender, he starts to relax, letting the warm atmosphere of the room wash over him.

‘Georgie is by the bar,’ the woman who’d let him in tells him, breaking him out of his reverie. 

Steve thanks her and makes his way over to the man who’d approached him on his double date.

‘You came!’ the man grins shakes Steve’s hand warmly. ‘Frederick!’ he calls to the man behind the bar, ‘get this man a drink!’

The barman nods and hands Steve a beer.

Steve reaches for his money but Georgie stops him.

‘It’s on the house,’ he smiles.

Steve looks at the barman who quirks his lips up and nods towards Georgie. ‘It’s his house,’ he says with a shrug.

‘Well, thanks,’ Steve tilts the bottle towards the two of them and then takes a sip. 'This place is... amazing.'

Georgie smiles. ‘Thank you. I inherited the house from my parents. Didn’t need all this room. Thought I’d put it to good use by helping out some friends,’ Georgie gestures around the room, ‘Let me introduce you to some people.’

Steve follows him to a nearby group of people standing by the bar. 

‘Hey, guys, this is,’ Georgie turns to Steve, ‘what was your name again?’

Steve pauses, Bucky’s words ringing in his ears _‘If anyone found out, if anyone so much as suspected..._ , and he decides against giving his real name. He knows this is meant to be a safe place, but what if word got out? He knows he has to be cautious, just in case.

‘Uh… James…’ Steve replies and then immediately curses himself inwardly, _he seriously couldn’t think of another name?_. He needs to get better at thinking under pressure.

‘James,’ Georgie smiles, ‘meet Jonathon, William, David, Marie and Sophia.’ Each member of the group smiles and shakes Steve’s hand in turn. Georgie continues introducing Steve to various people around the room until he is approached by a woman wearing the largest hat Steve thinks he has ever seen.

‘Forgive me, James, I promised this lovely lady a drink last week, please excuse me.’

‘Of course,’ Steve smiles and nods his head at the woman, ‘ma’am.’ The pair walk towards the bar and Steve turns to once more take in his surroundings. He looks over at the nearest table where a dark-haired man who looks to be in his thirties is sitting alone and works up the courage to introduce himself. He walks over to the chair beside the man’s and clears his throat.

‘Is anyone sitting here?’

The man looks up and Steve is momentarily taken aback by the shocking green of his eyes. 

‘No, please sit,’ the man replies. ‘I’m Gabe.’ The man holds his hand out for Steve to shake.

‘James.’ Steve grasps the man’s hand and feels the rough texture of his calloused fingers.

‘I’ve not seen you here before.’

‘No, this is my first time, Georgie introduced me to it a few nights ago,’ Steve explains as he sits down. ‘You’ve been here before then?’

‘Yeah I’ve been coming here for years. I met my wife here.’ Gabe gestures across the room to two women, a blonde and a brunette, who have their arms wrapped around each other and their foreheads pressed together.

‘Your… wife?’ Steve doesn’t want to seem disrespectful but he thinks he must have misheard.

Gabe smiles. ‘Yeah, the blonde. Her name’s Lucinda. We had both been coming here regularly and became pretty close friends. Turns out her family were pressuring her into settling down with the right man as much as mine were with the right gal. So we decided to marry. It keeps everyone happy: our families stop asking questions and we get to continue coming here,’ Gabe gestures to the women again, ‘She and Lizzie have been courting for a couple of years now.’ 

Gabe’s smile is warm as he watches the two women and it is clear that he is genuinely happy for his wife. 

‘And you? Is there anyone you come here to meet?’ Steve can't help but ask.

‘No one in particular. I come here because it's nice to be able to enjoy a beer somewhere I'm not going to get beat up for looking at a guy the wrong way. If I meet the occasional guy along the way to share a nice night or two with then who am I to complain?' Gabe shoots Steve a flirtatious smile and Steve can't miss the implication behind his words. 

Steve flushes. He’s never had a guy outwardly flirt with him before, it's exhilarating, but he doesn't think he's ready to flirt back just yet. He needs time to accept that any hope he had for anything more than friendship with Bucky is gone. So he smiles and asks Gabe to tell him more about his time here, and Gabe seems perfectly happy to fall into a casual conversation. After a while Lucinda and Lizzie come over and join them. Steve enjoys their company and finds himself fitting in easily with their group dynamic.

He remains chatting with them for the rest of the night and, when they part ways as they leave the house with promises of ‘see you next week’, Steve knows already that he is going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think! :D


	4. Two worlds

Steve goes back to the house week after week as often as he can. He gets to know the people there. He gets to know the routine. On Thursdays, the bar is open as usual, and people go to talk and relax and have fun. On Fridays, there is entertainment. Singing and comedy and dancing. Sometimes it’s done by drag artists, sometimes by one of the other regulars wanting to show off their talent. Whoever is performing, the atmosphere is always warm and jovial. 

Steve marvels at the sheer positivity of the place. Most there on any given night cannot be themselves in the outside world. And, yet, in spite of the fact that they live in a world where the truth of who they are could get them killed, or maybe because this is the one place they can truly be free, the room is always filled with smiling faces and laughter night after night.

This isn’t the only thing that surprises Steve. After a few weeks of going to the bar in which he has met and befriended many different people, not once has anyone commented on his size. He’d become so used to people, at the very least, looking him up and down disparagingly or, more commonly, commenting outright on his height, that the realisation that hasn’t happened here comes as quite a shock.

He finds that he starts to forget about his small stature, until he’s out in another bar with Bucky and someone inevitably comments on it. It doesn’t bother him as much as it used to. He doesn’t care so much what the girls Bucky sets him up with think of him when he knows that, at the end of the week, he’ll once again be in the company of people who like him for who he is, regardless of who he is attracted to or how tall his is.

He remembers something from school about Odysseus and a fruit so intoxicating it made all who ate it want to stay where they were and forget everything else. Steve thinks he knows what that feels like now. 

Then, one night, while still in his happiness induced haze, Steve comes home to his apartment to find Bucky sitting on his couch.

‘Jeez, Buck, you scared the life outta me!’

‘Yeah well you scared the life outta me,’ Bucky responds without getting up.

Steve shakes his head as he takes off his jacket and throws that and his keys on the table. ‘It’s my apartment.’

‘No, not then. Earlier.’

Steve halts in his actions and turns to face his friend, brow furrowing.

‘You still don’t remember?’

Steve wracks his brain for what Bucky could be referring to, and, when his mind finally settles on the answer, he lets out a huff of air as he runs a hand over his face.  
‘Your interview. Ah, shit. I’m sorry, Buck.’

Steve couldn’t believe he’d forgotten. Bucky had asked Steve a week ago to help him prepare for his interview for a job at the boxing gym where he trained. It was practically a sure thing that Bucky would get the job – being a regular at the gym and an all-round charming guy meant that the staff already treated him as one of their own. When Charles, the odd-job man who’d been working at the gym since before either of them were born, retired last week, it was almost guaranteed that Bucky would replace him. But Bucky had always been one to do things right. So he was going through the motions of interviewing and proving his worth, and Steve had offered to help him.

They’d arranged to meet the night before the interview so they could prepare together. Steve knew it would mainly involve him reassuring Bucky that he was going to do just fine, but it was important to his friend and Steve kicked himself for forgetting.

Bucky shakes his head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘It does. I said I’d help you prepare. I completely forgot when it was.’ Steve moves across the room to sit on the chair opposite Bucky. ‘We can go through things now?’ 

‘Nah, it’s late. I’ve already gone through all my notes. I should really go home and get some sleep, otherwise I’ll sleep through the interview and it’ll all have been for nothing. I’m only still up because I wanted to make sure you got back safe.’ 

‘You shouldn’t worry about me so much, Buck. I’m fine.’

‘Yeah I know that _now_. But when you didn’t show at mine and you didn’t answer your door, I asked around and no one knew where you were. It’s stupid but I thought something might have happened to you.’

‘I’m sorry. I should’ve remembered.’

‘Yeah, you should have. But you’ve been so distracted recently. I’ve been letting it go because I thought you were just working some stuff out on your own, but I’m worried. Is it because of me? Because of… what happened? What’s going on? Where were you?’

Steve sighs and runs his hand over his face again. ‘It’s all fine. I’ve just been going out to a different bar.’ At Bucky’s slightly offended expression, Steve continues quickly, ‘It’s not… I’m not avoiding you. I just didn’t tell you because… you’re right, it is to do with what happened. Well, kinda. I just, I can’t keep hiding who I am. I’ve been going somewhere I don’t have to do that. I know you don’t want to talk about this so I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.’

Bucky’s face turned from offence to confusion to realisation and, finally, shock. ‘You’ve been,’ Bucky’s voice turns to a whisper, ‘meeting _guys_? Steve that’s… if anyone found out…’

‘No, it’s not like that! I’ve just been making friends. Friends who I can talk to without hiding who I am. Do you know how it feels to be in room where everyone is like you? Where everyone understands what you’re going through? It’s amazing, Buck, just not having to filter everything you say and do in case someone thinks you’re a bit too close to a guy, or without anyone assuming that you’re waiting on a girl to come meet you.’

‘How did you find this place?’

‘A guy – Georgie – told me about it. We were out with those girls – Lilian and Emily I think their names were – and he approached me with the address.’

‘He – Steve! That could have been a trap! What were you thinking?’

‘That I’m tired of pretending, Bucky. We deserve to be happy, don’t we?’

‘We deserve to be _safe_ , Steve.’

‘And I am there! You would be too. Come along, you’ll see.’

‘What?’

‘Come with me. They’re open again tomorrow night. We can go together. Just come along once, you’ll see what it’s like, we can be _us_ there. You don’t even need to tell anyone your name.’

‘No. Steve, no. This is ridiculous.’ Bucky stands and starts walking towards the door. ‘I can’t. I have a life, Steve, I have a reputation, I can’t risk that.’

‘And I don’t?’

‘That’s not what I mean. But you’ve always been braver than me. If you want to risk everything, then there’s only so much I can do to stop you. But I certainly ain’t going to encourage you! I’ve gotta go.’

Bucky’s hand is on the doorknob before Steve finds his voice.

‘Bucky, wait.’ Bucky turns and his face shows none of the anger Steve expected to see there. Instead he just looks sad and afraid and Steve feels his heart tug. Because it’s confirmation that the only thing stopping Bucky from allowing himself to be free is fear. And Steve finds himself faltering. He can’t ask again, he can’t keep putting Bucky in this position. ‘I – good luck tomorrow. You’ll do great.’

Bucky smiles sadly. ‘Thanks.’ And then he’s shutting the door behind him.

\--

The next evening not even the comedy from one of the regular drag performers at the bar can put a smile on Steve’s face.

For the first hour after he arrives, he sits at the bar staring into the one, now empty, drink he’d had all night and thinks about his conversation with Bucky the day before.

By the time Gabe walks up to him, placing a gentle hand on his arm, he’s made a decision. 

‘Am I interrupting?’ Gabe smiles warmly as he sits on the stool next to Steve’s.

Steve can’t help but return his smile, ‘No, I’ve just had a lot on my mind.’

‘Wanna share?’

Steve sighs. Where to start? ‘I think I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that things aren’t gonna work out between me and… this guy.’ Gabe nods encouragingly for Steve to continue. ‘I knew that nothing could happen between us, but I guess I was just hoping that, if he met other people like us, if he saw that it was possible to be happy, then… he might see things differently.’

‘But he won’t?’

Steve shakes his head. ‘It’s not even that I thought he’d change his mind about us… Well, obviously I’m always hoping that might happen, but I know now that that’s not an option. I just thought that if I could make him see that he’s not alone… I dunno… maybe he’d be less afraid. Our conversation last night made me give up any hope that he’d consider it. It just feels very… final.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve been there. Somehow it feels worse when you know they _could_ want you back if it wasn’t for the rest of the world.’

Steve nods in agreement.

Gabe stands up and claps him on the shoulder. ‘Come on, you don’t need to deal with this alone. Luce and Lizzie have a table, come join us, we can talk about this, maybe even cheer you up.’

Steve stands and grabs Gabe’s arm, stopping him in his tracks. ‘Actually,’ Steve’s voice is quiet so that Gabe has to lean in to hear what he says next, ‘I was hoping that we could… talk… alone. Maybe somewhere else?’

Gabe pulls back, his expression questioning.

‘Would that… be okay?’

‘Yes, of course. Follow me.’ He leads Steve out of the bar, up the grand staircase leading up from the entrance hall and into a room behind one of many identical doors along the second floor corridor. The pair walk into a lavishly decorated bedroom.

‘Wow,’ Steve mutters, exhaling in admiration.

Gabe huffs out a laugh. ‘Yeah, Georgie’s doing alright for himself.’

‘I could fit my entire apartment in here.’

Gabe walks towards a couch placed at the end of the grand four poster bed in the centre of the room and sits, gesturing for Steve to join him. ‘You wanted to talk?’

‘Yeah.’ Steve had been planning his next words since he’d arrived at the bar that night, but now that he has the chance to speak them out loud, he finds they get caught. He sits beside Gabe, clears his throat, and tries again.

‘I’ve been trying to move on from this guy for weeks,’ Steve pauses, it feels strange referring to Bucky in such general terms, but he won’t betray Bucky’s trust by using his name, even with someone he trusts as much as Gabe. ‘And last night, I think I finally got the push I needed to do that. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to live two separate lives that I haven’t been living either of them fully.’

Gabe nods for him to continue.

‘I forgot to meet him last night, to help him with something important. I’ve never done that before. I hurt him.’

‘Have you spoken to him since?’

Steve nods, remembering the conversation he’d had with Bucky that morning after his interview. He’d waited on the steps to Bucky’s house until he got back. Bucky had approached him with a huge grin on his face, their previous discussion apparently forgotten, and pulled Steve into a hug.

\---

_’Hey, Buck, how was it?’_

_‘I start on Monday.’_

_‘Congratulations! I knew you’d do it.’_

_‘Thanks.’_

_‘Listen, I really am sorry about last night. I still feel awful. If there’s anything I can do to make it up to you-‘_

_‘I’ll let you know. But it’s fine, honestly, Steve. I know you got your own stuff to work through.’_

_‘Yeah but I don’t wanna lose you. You’re the most important thing to me.’_

_‘You won’t. Now stop being a sap and come help me feed Mrs Williams’ cat.’_

_‘She gone away again?’_

_‘Yeah. Apparently her sister’s daughter’s having another baby and Great Aunt Williams just has to be there.’_

_‘I think she goes away so much so she can get a break from that thing. It’s evil.’_

_‘Probably. But the pay’s good so I don’t mind. Anyway, that’s why you’re coming. You can be my human shield.’_

_‘Gee, thanks… If we make it out of Mrs Williams’ alive, we going out tonight to celebrate your new job?’_

_‘Ah, I can’t. I’ve got a date. I’m seeing Emily again. Remember her?’_

_‘Brunette? Huge eyes?’_

_‘Yeah, that’s her.’_

_‘Maybe another time then.’_

_‘Yeah. Now, when I open the door, run for the bowl… Ready?’_

_‘I’d better be getting some of the money for this.’_

\---

Steve looks down at his hands and tries to figure out how to express his feelings to Gabe.

‘Things are fine between us, but it’s like there are two separate worlds with two versions of me. The one that’s here and the one out there. When I’m here I feel so _free_ but I can’t shake the feeling that I want him to be experiencing it too. And when I’m out there it’s like I can’t be myself, but I can be around him, and it’s worth the trade-off. But I just don’t wanna keep living half in this world and half in the real world. It’s not fair on him, I know he’s noticed I’m distracted when we’re together and I can’t keep waiting for him to come to this world. I know he’s not ready and I won’t force him.’

‘It’s not fair on you either. You deserve to enjoy yourself too, you know.’ Steve nods. ‘So what’re you gonna do?’

‘I need to move on. I need to stop bringing him here with me in my mind, and stop trying to bring this world to him out there. I’ve accepted that things aren’t gonna change for him, so now I need to start embracing who I am. At least when I’m here.’

Gabe nods slowly, as if he’s processing everything Steve had told him. Steve is grateful to Gabe for listening and accepting his words, when Steve himself isn’t even sure they make sense.

‘So how do we start helping you embrace who you are?’

‘Well that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about,’ Steve’s mouth is dry again as he tries to think of the right way to ask what he’s wanted to for a while now, even before his revelation the previous night, though it wasn’t until then that he felt ready. ‘The first night we met, you said something about wanting to share the occasional night or two with a guy.’

Gabe nods and Steve takes a breath before continuing, hoping he hasn’t read the signs wrong. 

‘I was wondering was that… did you mean…?’ Steve curses himself inwardly; nervous bumbling fool was not the image he wanted to be portraying of himself right now.

Luckily Gabe puts him out of his misery with an eyebrow raise and a smile. ‘Was I hitting on you? Yeah.’

Steve tries to fight the blush that is no doubt making its way to his cheeks. ‘Are you, I mean, what about now? Have you changed your mind?’

‘No. I’d still hit on you.’

Steve can’t quite believe the ease with which the words come to the other man. The lack of shame or secrecy. How, for him, it really is as simple as telling someone that you find them attractive. 

‘But,’ Gabe continues, ‘if anything were to happen between us, it’d need to be because you truly want it to, and not because it’s something you feel you have to do. You’re already accepted here, and you’ll always have me as a friend. You don’t need to do anything more than you already are to fit in in this world.’

Steve reaches a hand out and takes Gabe’s from where it is resting on the couch between them. He turns it over so it is palm up and traces the callouses he noticed when they shook hands the first time they met. Callouses that he now knows come from Gabe’s years of work on his father’s farm. He brushes his fingers over the wedding band on Gabe’s ring finger and thinks about a recent conversation he had with Lucinda about how, though their marriage is not a typical one, it means as much to them as any other relationship. How they both choose to keep their wedding rings on even when they are home alone as a reminder of their friendship and of how fortunate they are to have found each other.

He thinks these things whilst holding Gabe’s hand and knows, with absolute certainty, that this is what he wants. He’s only known Gabe a matter of weeks, but in that time he has shared so much of his life, and learnt so much in return, that he feels as though they could have known each other for years.

‘I know,’ he looks up to meet the other man’s eyes. ‘I want this. I want you.’

Gabe holds his gaze for a moment as if checking to make sure Steve is certain, before leaning in and pressing their lips together.

The kiss is gentle and slow, and Steve gets the feeling that Gabe is being tentative in case Steve changes his mind. The thought makes him smile against the other’s lips.

He reaches his hand to the back of Gabe’s neck and pulls him closer, hoping his meaning is clear. _I want this. Don’t hold back_. He feels Gabe return his smile, before the brunette puts his hands on Steve’s waist and pulls him into his lap. 

The kiss deepens and Steve pulls slightly where his hand is buried in Gabe’s hair, eliciting a small moan from the other.

‘James,’ he murmurs into Steve’s ear, and the moment is broken.

Steve pulls back and, for a moment, is nothing but confused. And then he remembers that he hadn’t wanted to give his real name when he’d entered the bar for the first time.

‘Something wrong?’ Gabe’s eyes are full of concern and he has taken his hands off Steve’s waist, Steve can tell he’s worried his reaction is due to a change of heart.

‘No, no, everything’s fine,’ Steve hurries to reassure him. ‘It’s just… My name’s not James.’

There’s a beat and then suddenly Gabe is laughing.

‘Aw, shit, sorry. No wonder you stopped. You know, I had a feeling that wasn’t your real name.’

‘How?’

‘You don’t respond to it half the time.’

Steve can feel his cheeks burning again and makes to get off Gabe’s lap, feeling thoroughly embarrassed.

‘Hey, no, it’s okay. Most guys don’t use their real names here. It makes sense, if someone from the outside world found out… I don’t blame you for trying to protect yourself.’

‘Still… I probably should’ve told you before now.’

‘Yeah I guess now is possibly one of the worst times to find out. Coulda been worse, I guess, coulda been at your funeral or something.’

And then the absurdity of the situation hits Steve and he’s laughing too, burying his head in Gabe’s neck.

Once he’s composed himself, he reaches his hand out to Gabe. ‘I’m Steve. Nice to meet you.’

Gabe grins and clasps his hand in his, a mirror of the handshake they shared the first time they met. ‘Gabe. That really is my name. Well Gabriel if we’re being picky.’

Steve shifts off Gabe’s lap and lets out a sigh. ‘I feel like such an idiot.’

‘Don’t. There are things we should have covered before that started anyway. So, names, that one’s done. Next on the agenda: relationship. Would this change things between us?’

Steve thinks for a moment. When he’d imagined this happening with Gabe, he’d never envisioned it being anything more serious than two friends having fun.

‘I don’t think so. I’m not looking for a relationship, if that’s what you’re asking.’

‘Okay, so we’re on the same page there too,’ Gabe nods. ‘You’ve not done anything like this before have you?’

Steve shakes his head.

‘Is there anything specific you had in mind that you wanted to do when you asked me up here?’

Steve thinks. He’d imagined doing all sorts with Gabe over the last couple of weeks, but didn’t have a specific plan in mind for tonight. ‘Not specifically, I wasn’t sure you’d even want to.’

‘Okay, well, we’ll take it step-by-step. You wanna move this to the bed?’

Steve smiles and nods. ‘Only if we can forget the whole me not telling you my real name thing and start again.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :D
> 
> As always, comments are very much appreciated <3


	5. More

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so we're finally onto the sex! Note the rating change.

Gabe has left the room briefly, ostensibly to get them both some water, but Steve suspects it’s actually to give him some time alone to make sure this is really what Steve wants.  
Steve walks over to the large bed in the centre of the room and perches on the end of it, before deciding that looks too awkward, and shuffling to lean against the headboard. He runs his hands over the soft sheets, admiring their quality. This feels miles away from his small, rickety bed at home with its tired, woollen blankets, and Steve can’t help but let out a small laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

He notices that he still has his shoes on and hurries to remove them before Gabe returns, trying to return to a casual-looking position after placing them neatly together on the floor. By the time Gabe walks through the door, bringing with him a jug of water and two glasses, Steve’s fidgeting with nervous energy and isn’t sure he can take the anticipation much longer.

Gabe smiles apologetically as he places the glasses and jug on the nightstand. 

‘Sorry, that took longer than I thought. Georgie saw us leave together and cornered me to give me the “be careful with him” speech.’

This takes Steve by surprise, he was unaware that Georgie cared about him as anything other than a customer of the bar.

Gabe smiles and sits on the bed next to Steve. ‘Yeah, I told you you’ve already got acceptance. You’re a pretty popular guy around here, Steve.’

‘I dunno why.’ Steve says as he takes the glass of water that Gabe has poured him.

‘You’re a decent guy. You’re kind and funny and you’ve got this, I dunno, _energy_ to you that says you’re a lot tougher than you look.’  
Steve takes a sip of his drink as he contemplates Gabe’s words.

‘I meant it when I said I don’t want you to be doing this just so you feel like you fit in here. You already have your place here for as long as you want to keep coming back. And if we’re gonna do this, I want it to be because you want it too.’

Steve puts his glass down. ‘I _do_ want this,’ he says as he leans towards Gabe and kisses him lightly.

Gabe pulls away only far enough to murmur: ‘Well, then, I’m sure pleased you’re allowing me to be your first’, before pressing their lips together once more.

The kiss begins in much the same way as their first did, with Gabe letting Steve set the pace.

Steve wastes no time in deepening the kiss and, when Gabe responds in kind, he hooks his leg around Gabe’s waist and shifts so that he is straddling the other man as he was on the couch.

Gabe rests his hands on Steve’s waist and begins to kiss down his neck, nipping at his pulse point and _oh, that feels good_. Steve lets out a quiet ‘mpf’ and bucks his hips forwards in response.

Gabe continues making his way down Steve’s neck, unbuttoning his shirt so that he can continue his kisses down his chest. He moves back up to Steve’s lips as his undoes the last few buttons and then pulls back, with a questioning look in his eye. Steve doesn’t understand what he’s asking at first, but when Gabe’s hands reach up to his shoulders, he realises he’s asking permission to remove his shirt, and something about that brings butterflies to Steve’s stomach. He smiles and nods and helps Gabe pull his shirt from his body, a shiver running up his spine as his back is exposed.

‘Cold?’ Gabe asks. Before Steve can respond, the other man’s hands reach around to grasp Steve’s ass through his pants, and then Steve is on his back with Gabe kneeling between his thighs.

Steve’s about to complain at being manhandled, when he notices the way Gabe is looking at him and the words dissolve in his throat.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been looked at so _reverentially_ before, and especially not while shirtless. It makes him feel self-conscious and aroused at the same time and _isn’t_ that _a new experience_ , he thinks.

Gabe must notice his blush, because he smiles down as him reassuringly and, without a shred of doubt or bashfulness, murmurs ‘gorgeous’, before leaning down and capturing Steve’s lips in a kiss once more.

Steve feels Gabe’s shirt brush against him where it has come untucked from his pants, and reaches to unbutton it. Gabe gets the hint and removes it in no time, before lowering himself so that the two of them are pressed together, chest to chest, as he kisses Steve’s neck again.

That first feeling of Gabe’s skin pressed against his own shoots straight through Steve to his cock, and he knows he’s almost fully hard.

He doesn’t have time to feel embarrassed or wonder if his inexperience is obvious in the short amount of time it took to get him aroused, because Gabe shifts to push one of Steve’s legs between his, forcing his thigh to push on Steve’s hardness and Steve’s to press against his own in turn.

Steve groans at the pressure and throws his head back against the pillow, and then Gabe’s mouth is by his ear as he pushes his thigh harder against Steve and hearing Gabe’s own gasp of pleasure so close to his ear shoots a feeling of electricity through Steve’s whole body.

‘Fuck,’ he groans as his pushes his hips up to grind on Gabe’s leg and the other man’s reaction is instant. 

He practically _whimpers_ into Steve’s ear and gasps ‘say that again’.

Despite the fact that Steve’s brain is almost completely occupied with thoughts of pleasure and _more_ , he finds himself smirking as he responds. ‘Say what again?’  
Gabe nips at his ear. ‘You swore. Not heard you do that before.’

‘Did I?’

Gabe pulls back to look at Steve and Steve can’t help but grin and raise an eyebrow challengingly.

‘Oh so it’s like that is it? You gonna make me force it outta you?’

Steve shrugs, feigning nonchalance as best he can when he’s on his back, fully erect, half naked, and flushed.

‘Okay.’ And now Gabe is smirking. Not that Steve has much time to notice, as the other man moves down Steve’s body and pulls his pants down quicker than Steve would have thought possible.

He looks back up at Steve with a questioning gaze once more, and there is no way Steve is responding with anything other than _yes, yes, yes_.

And then Gabe is mouthing at him through his underwear and Steve is clenching his hands in the sheets as he tries not to cry out. 

Gabe pulls away and Steve is about to whine at the loss of contact, but then Gabe is taking his cock out and pumping it gently with his hand and all Steve can do is gasp and throw his head back once more.

And then he feels Gabe’s breath on his cock head and looks down to see the other man gazing up at him again. Steve nods as enthusiastically as he can from this angle, but Gabe doesn’t move just yet. 

‘Gaaabe,’ Steve moans, eliciting a smirk from the other man, but no further movement.

Steve clenches his hands in the sheets again and pushes his hips forward. He thinks he knows what Gabe is doing but he is absolutely _not_ going to beg.

Gabe seems to sense this, huffs out a laugh and mutters ‘stubborn’, and then Steve’s head is encased with delicious warmth and any retort he was about to make is gone and replaced with a moan.

Gabe pushes his tongue against the underside of the head and Steve can't help but buck his hips up in response. The other man pulls back slightly and pushes Steve’s hips down gently with his free hand.

‘Sorry,’ Steve whimpers, and is rewarded with Gabe taking a couple more inches of his cock into his mouth.

It is like nothing Steve has felt before. The warmth and the delicious wetness combined with the firm pressure of Gabe’s lips and the hand that is still holding the base of his cock, not being able to thrust his hips up like he so desperately wants to, it’s all almost too much sensation for Steve to get his head around.

And then Gabe removes his hand and presses down to take the rest of Steve into his mouth and it’s all Steve can do not to scream his name so loud that everyone in the bar downstairs will hear.

Gabe sucks slightly and the feeling of his throat closing around the head is almost enough to make Steve come.

‘Oh, shit,’ he moans as he tries to compose himself. _Not yet, not yet, not yet. It can’t end yet_. 

Gabe hums appreciatively and Steve belatedly remembers his challenge. He almost laughs because Gabe has successfully managed to win and wipe all thought of Steve’s earlier comments from his brain, and Steve really could not care less so long as Gabe keeps doing delicious things with his mouth.

Gabe pulls back off Steve’s cock just long enough to mutter ‘stay’, indicating Steve’s hips, as he removes his hand from where it’s holding him down to grasp Steve’s hands in each of his own. He places Steve’s hands in his hair and catches his eye as he lowers his mouth to his cock again. And, _fuck_ , Gabe telling him just what he wants like that does things to Steve and he can’t help but twist his fingers in Gabe’s hair as pleasure swells in his stomach.

The situation seems to be having a similar effect on Gabe as he moans around Steve’s cock and begins sucking Steve down to the hilt and back with urgency.

By the end Steve is swearing and begging and has one hand tangled in Gabe’s hair whilst the other is slung over his own face as he attempts to muffle some of his moans in his arm. And when he comes Gabe kisses his way back up his body and holds him close and tells Steve again how grateful he is to be his first.

\---

Gabe ends up being not only Steve’s first, but his second and third and fourth as well. In fact, the two find themselves in bed together quite a few times over the following weeks, with each meeting somehow being better than the one before. Gabe is still very grateful to Steve for being able to help him experience things for the first time, and Steve thinks he is damn lucky to have a teacher, but more importantly a friend, like Gabe.

\---

From the way Steve had heard guys talk about sex when he was at school, he’d imagined that losing one’s virginity changed a person. More than once he’d overheard his classmates imply that having sex made them more of a _man_. He had witnessed the unspoken respect that they gave each other when they heard about their ‘conquests’. And he had first-hand experience of the ridicule the quieter boys got for being virgins.

But Steve certainly doesn’t _feel_ any different for having lost his virginity. Well, sometimes he can feel a tenderness when he sits down on his couch too hard the morning after, but he’s pretty certain that isn’t one of the experiences the guys at school had been talking about.

He hasn’t suddenly developed a lower voice, or grown any taller, or suddenly got any better at sports. So, all in all, the things about him that the others teased him for when they were questioning his masculinity are still very much the same. The only difference is that he now knows what sex feels like. He can at least agree with the tormentors from his teen years on something: sex is fucking amazing.

But Steve is very much still the same guy.

He’s walking from the bar to his table one night, concentrating on not spilling the drinks he’s just bought for Gabe, Luce, Lizzie and himself, when he collides straight into someone. Luckily he manages to hold on to his drinks so that nothing smashes, but he does spill a considerable amount of liquid over himself and the other guy.

Because what better way for the universe to remind him that he is still the same old Steve Rogers than have him clumsily embarrass himself in front of a guy he’s never met before.

‘Aw shit! I’m so sorry, I’ll buy you another drink,’ Steve can feel the flush that has risen to his ears and turns to walk towards the bar. He catches Frederick’s eye and mouths _same again_ , inclining his head to the other man to indicate that he wants another of his order too.

The guy comes and stands next to Steve, and Steve is half expecting to have to prepare for a fight, or at the very least, for the guy to cuss him out. But instead he offers him his hand to shake with a glint in his eye that says he finds the whole situation amusing.

‘I’m Christopher. Nice to make your acquaintance.’

‘Steve. And likewise. I should offer to buy you a new shirt too.’ Steve gestures to the liquid on the front of Christopher’s shirt.

The other man looks down at it as if noticing the damp patch there for the first time and then shrugs. ‘No need, it’ll wash out.’

Now they’re properly introduced, and he thinks it unlikely that the guy is going to punch him for his clumsiness, Steve looks the man over properly for the first time and takes in his appearance. He looks to be in his mid-twenties and Steve’s pretty sure he could cut himself on his cheekbones. His face has an almost ethereal look to it, as if it’s been painstakingly crafted from porcelain. It’s a face that Steve would very much like to draw. He imagines trying to capture on paper the way morning light would fall across his profile, highlighting his facial structure and picking out the bits of auburn in his hair.

He realises he’s been staring when Frederick places their drinks down in front of them and breaks him out of his reverie. 

Steve clears his throat and tries to think of something to say before Christopher notices, but, judging by the amusement on the other man’s face, he already has.

‘So… uh… I’ve not seen you around before,’ Steve tries to sound casual, but is fairly certain he doesn’t manage it.

Luckily Christopher either doesn’t notice, or pretends not to, as his tone is easy-going when he replies. 

‘I used to come here a lot with my guy, but we broke up a couple of months ago and I haven’t been back since. Didn’t want to bump into him.’

‘Ah I’m sorry to hear that.’ Steve is not sorry, however, to learn that there’s a possibility Christopher is single.

‘Don’t be,’ Christopher waves his hand dismissively, ‘he was an asshole. Cheated on me with a mutual friend.’

Steve thinks that if he were dating someone who looked like Christopher, he’d find it very hard to look at anyone else, let alone cheat on him.

‘Are you worried you might see the jerk here tonight?’

‘I’ve already seen him. He’s over there.’ Christopher nods his head towards a group of guys sitting at a table in the opposite corner. Steve thinks he recognises some of them as regulars. ‘The blond in the green shirt.’

‘You can do better,’ Steve comments without thinking, and Christopher smiles.

‘Thanks. Shouldn’t you be taking your drinks over to your friends. Or are they all for you?’

Steve looks down at the drinks and realises he’d completely forgotten about why he’d gone to the bar in the first place.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Steve hesitates before thinking _screw it_ and asking ‘do you want to come sit with us? We’re good company and I could use a hand carrying these.’

Christopher’s smile is warm as he replies. ‘Yeah, gotta make sure you don't soak anyone else. I don’t know how I’d feel about you getting another guy wet.’

Steve nearly trips there and then.

\---

Steve’s not sure if it’d be awkward bringing another guy back to the table, but Gabe immediately gets up and shakes Christopher’s hand warmly, and, before long, the five of them are chatting easily. Gabe, Luce and Lizzie had seen Christopher around when he used to come to the bar regularly, but had not been introduced before.

When Christopher leaves to use the bathroom Luce immediately leans into Steve and stage-whispers ‘he is _beautiful_ ’. Steve smiles bashfully and glances at Gabe, who simply winks at him and adds ‘Steve’s got excellent taste in men’ with a grin.

‘It’s not weird that I brought him over? It’s just that he’s on his own and his ex is here and-‘

‘And you’re not blind,’ Lizzie interrupts dryly.

‘Steve, it’s fine,’ Gabe places a reassuring hand on his arm. ‘We agreed this wasn’t serious, we’re friends. And this is what I’ve been training you for.’ 

Steve swats at him indignantly and the girls laugh. ‘You weren’t _training_ me, you asshole.’

‘I know. But, seriously, as your friend, I think you should go for it.’

‘There’s probably nothing to “go for”.’ Steve's reply is met with three incredulous expressions.

\---

It’s getting towards closing time when Lucinda announces that she should go. 

‘I’ve got my book club meeting in the morning,’ she explains.

Steve gives her a sympathetic grimace. ‘Five minutes.’

‘You can’t have five, I’ve already said five,’ Gabe says.

‘Alight, six then.’

‘Aw now that’s just sneaky!’

Lucinda rolls her eyes and turns to a bemused-looking Christopher. ‘They like to bet on how long it takes one of the other women to ask when I’ll be having children of my own,’ she explains.

‘Oh! In that case… four,’ Christopher grins.

‘This is ridiculous. You’re both cheats,’ Gabe protests.

‘Right, it’s definitely time to leave,’ Luce smiles fondly at her husband, ‘come on.’

‘Yeah, maybe I should head home too,’ Steve says.

‘I’m going to have another drink,’ Christopher turns to Steve, ‘if you wanna join me?’

Steve looks between him and Gabe. He really would like to stay and have another drink, just him and Christopher, but there’s still the nagging doubt in the back of his mind that it could make things awkward with Gabe.

Gabe smiles at him. ‘You should stay, Steve.’

‘But-‘

Gabe places a reassuring hand on his arm. ‘Stay.’

‘Yeah. Yeah okay. One more drink.’

They say goodbye to the other three and order a couple more drinks. When they sit back at the table, Christopher shuffles along the couch until he’s right next to Steve, despite the fact that there was more than enough room for all five of them to fit earlier.

‘Your friends are nice.’

‘Yeah,’ Steve smiles, ‘they’re great.’

‘I’m glad I’ve got you on your own now though.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Christopher is looking straight at Steve, their faces only centimetres apart, and Steve feels his pulse quicken.

He glances down at Christopher’s lips, lips which are full and pink and only add to the impression that his features are made from porcelain. Steve thinks he looks as if he’d break if he was handled too roughly, and then Steve finds he's not thinking much at all because Christopher’s lips are on his and _oh they’re softer than they have any right to be_.

Christopher pulls back. ‘Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for hours. I hope I haven’t read the signs wrong.’

‘No,’ Steve’s voice is higher than he’d intended it to be, and he has to clear his throat, ‘no, I’ve been wanting to do that too.’ And then they’re kissing again. Kissing Christopher is an entirely different experience to kissing Gabe. Where Gabe was gentle and slow, Christopher’s kiss is full of heat and promise of things to come.

Steve feels himself getting hard and pulls back, aware that they’re still in the not-quite-empty bar. 

‘You wanna get out of here?’ he asks and Christopher grins.

‘God yeah.’

\---

Christopher’s mouth continues taking Steve by surprise when they’re in one of the rooms, Christopher lying on top of the bed, Steve knelt between his legs with his dick in his mouth. But now, instead of hinting of things to come through his kisses, Christopher’s speaking them aloud. Steve’s surprised, and more than a little turned on, to hear such filthy things coming out of such a pretty mouth. And he’s certainly enjoying that he can bring such words out of the other through his attention.

After a while, Christopher threads his hands in Steve’s hair and moans. ‘I wanna feel you in me.’

Steve pulls back and looks up at Christopher.

‘I don’t… I don’t have much experience with that.’

The other man raises himself up on his elbows and looks down at Steve.

‘Have you done it at all?’

‘Once,’ Steve admits. ‘The guy I was with isn’t that into receiving, and I didn’t mind.’

‘Gabe?’ Christopher smiles knowingly.

Steve feels himself flush. ‘Yeah, how did you know?’

‘You practically asked for his permission before you stayed with me tonight,’ Christopher laughs. Before Steve’s embarrassment increases tenfold, Christopher continues. ‘Would you want to try it with me?’

Steve looks down at Christopher, his skin alabaster, his hair dishevelled, his cheeks flushed, his lips parted and red where he’d been biting them. 

The thought of watching this man come further undone under Steve’s thrusts has him licking his lips in anticipation.

‘Yeah. Yes, that’d be… yeah.’ 

Christopher smiles, shifts into a more upright position, reaches into his jacket which has been haphazardly thrown beside the bed, and retrieves a small pot of lube. He leans up to kiss Steve and then whispers into his ear.

‘Want me to get things started?’

Steve’s not sure what he means at first, but then the dark-haired man trails his fingers down between his own legs. Steve swallows when he realises that Christopher is offering to finger himself open in front of him.

Christopher must see the lust in his eyes because he pours some of the lube onto his fingers and begins to circle one around his hole, lifting his legs back to give Steve a better view.

And _fuck_ does he know how to put on a show. By the time he is able to put two fingers into himself, his head is thrown back, his gasps are coming in time with the movement of his hand, and the fingers of his free hand are gripping the bedsheets at his hip.

And Steve wants _needs_ to feel for himself. 

He reaches his hand down and brushes it against Christopher’s lube-covered fingers, his intent clear but questioning.

The other man doesn’t hesitate, just murmurs a pleased ‘mmm’ and moves his fingers away to make room for Steve’s. He pours some lube onto Steve’s hand, and then Steve is feeling the warm, wet heat of the other man’s hole.

Christopher moans, much louder than any noise he has made previously, and the noise shoots straight to Steve’s cock. 

Steve’s heart skips when he realises that he can fit two fingers in straight away, and it’s not long before a third joins them. 

‘M ready,’ Christopher pants, reaching blindly for Steve’s hips. ‘Want you in me.’

Steve doesn’t need to be told twice. He takes the condom Christopher hands him and rolls it onto himself.

And then he is position his head against the heat of the other man’s entrance. He wants to be careful, not sure how quickly he can do this without hurting the other man, but Christopher waits only a couple of seconds before he grabs at Steve’s hips again, this time pulling him in.

‘Christ,’ Steve gasps. Despite their preparations, Christopher is tight around him, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt anything as mind-blowing at Christopher clenching around him, warm and wet.

Christopher smiles, apparently proud that he elicited such a response from Steve and wraps his legs around his back. Linked at the heels, he pulls Steve further towards him until he’s fully buried in him and Steve forgets to breathe.

Christopher’s voice snaps him out of his reverie. ‘Move. Please, Steve, wanna feel you.’

Steve’s more than happy to oblige. 

It takes him a few thrusts before he’s able to get the angle just right, but there can be no doubting when he does as he is greeted with a string of moaned curse-words from the other man.

After a while, Christopher reaches his arms around Steve’s shoulders and pulls him closer, his nails raking down the blonde’s back. And it’s like this, almost chest-to-chest with the other man, the sensation of tight heat around his dick and pleasurable pain shooting down his back, that Steve comes. And for all his filthy words and loud moaning, when Christopher follows suit almost immediately after, it’s with a kitten-like mewl, that Steve, were his brain capable of thinking any coherent thoughts at that present moment, would have labelled downright _adorable_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be more of Steve's antics and then maybe some plot too :)
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed, I'm not too used to writing sex scenes!


	6. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve continues on his sexual journey, spends time with his best guy, and tries to get enlisted in the army.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve has sex with a cis woman - who ~~may or may not be~~ is definitely based on Diana Prince (because Wonder Woman/Captain America is a guilty pleasure of mine) - in this chapter. If that's not your thing then please just skip down to the first page break where our scheduled SteveBucky interactions will resume.

It’s another couple of weeks before Steve has sex with a woman for the first time.

He’s sitting at the bar, waiting for his drink, when he gets chatting to a beautiful brunette with golden skin and an accent he can’t place.

She introduces herself as Diana, and when she shakes his hand, her grip is firm.

They fall into easy conversation and Steve is immediately drawn to her. Everything about her – from her eyes, to her sense of humour, to her complexion – is warm and inviting, and Steve finds himself hooked on her every word as she tells him about the country she’s from.

“The weirdest thing about your country is that you do not let people love whoever they want. You have to hide in places like this,” she gestures around the room, “out of fear. It is sad.”

“It’s not like that where you’re from?” Steve asks, intrigued. The idea of a place where he could be open about who he is seems so foreign, almost too good to believe. Diana did mention where she was from, but he can’t remember the name. He needs to ask again before she leaves tonight.

“No, quite the opposite,” she smiles, “In my country no one minds that I love men and women, they only care that I can do my job.”

Steve’s eyes go wide as he stares at the woman in front of him.

She tilts her head, puzzled. “The nature of my attraction can’t be a shock to you… You are here, after all.”

Steve forces himself out of his shocked silence and replies. “No – no it’s not that. It’s just – men _and_ women?”

“Yes”

Steve huffs out a laugh. “I was beginning to think I was the only one.”

“It is the norm where I’m from. You don’t know anyone else like this?”

“No. Well, I thought maybe my friend was – but he – I don’t know anymore.”

“Well, you’re not alone.” Her warm smile is back, and Steve can’t help but return it.

Before long, she is taking his hand and leading him from the bar and into one of the bedrooms.

He’s not expecting it when he reaches under her skirt for the first time to find that she’s already wet, and can’t help the surprised gasp that comes from his mouth. 

She tilts her head at him in the same puzzled way she had done in the bar.

He feels his cheeks grow warm as he tries to stutter out an explanation.

“Sorry – It’s just – I’ve never…”

“You’ve not done this before?” She asks, not unkindly.

“No. I mean, yes. Just – only with guys.”

She smiles and gently takes his hand where it has been hovering above her thigh. She guides his fingers slowly back towards her wetness.

“Is this okay?” she asks.

“Ye- yeah.” It’s more than okay, he thinks. She lets go of his hand, letting him decide what to do next. He plucks up the courage to experimentally rub a finger against her more firmly, and she hums a noise of pleasure in response.

He watches her face as he presses his fingers against her, alternately rubbing on the spot that makes her close her eyes and groan, and pushing into her gently one finger at a time, watching to see what makes her feel good, until her head is thrown back and her lips are parted and red where she’s been biting them. She feels even wetter now, and Steve’s overcome with the urge to taste. He lifts his fingers to his lips and licks the tips experimentally. Diana’s eyes open and a small gasp escapes her when she sees what he's doing, and for one agonising moment Steve wonders if that was a weird thing to do, if he’s grossed her out, but then she groans his name and pushes her hips closer to him, and he isn’t sure if she’s asking what he thinks she is, but he really wants to taste more, so he hopes to god they’re on the same page as he lowers his head between his thighs. The moan that leaves her mouth in anticipation of what he’s about to do is enough to reassure him that this is something they both want, and he presses his tongue between her folds and licks a stripe in the place that had her moaning when he’d used his fingers.

The response is immediate as she groans and laces her fingers through his hair, and, yeah, Steve could _definitely_ get used to this.

Because while there are physical differences between Diana and the men he’s had experiences with before, the way his body responds, his desire to explore every inch of skin in front of him, is very much the same as it has been with his other lovers.

 

\---

 

For a while things are good. They’re not perfect – Steve’s still living in the same cold, rundown place; he’s still getting ill far more often than should be normal; he’s still pining over his best friend who, despite everything, seems more unattainable than ever; and the talk of war that’s been in the air for months now is getting more pressing and frequent – but they’re _good_.

He spends his week going to his art classes, his evenings working odd jobs to keep up his rent, his weekends with Bucky, and his Thursday and Friday nights surrounded by people who accept him for who he is. And if every now and then he gets to spend the night in bed with Gabe or Diana or another guy or doll he meets at the bar then that’s just a bonus.

One Saturday afternoon, when the sky is bluer than it’s been for a while, and the sun is watery but pleasant, he convinces Bucky to come down the docks with him. Steve loves sitting on the bank with a sketch pad looking out at the bay. Because, yeah, it smells like fish and stagnant water here – as Bucky points out with a wrinkle of his nose every time Steve brings him here – but, somehow, despite that, the cool air coming in with the breeze still manages to feel as if it’s cleansing Steve’s lungs in a way the air further into the city doesn't.

He’s sitting on a bank of grass on top of Bucky’s jacket, thankful, not for the first time, that Bucky seems to radiate warmth because it’s definitely not warm enough for Steve, with his skinny frame and ridiculous lungs, to take his own jacket off. Bucky, meanwhile, had his shirt sleeves and pant legs rolled up, his shoes and socks discarded next to Steve as he walks along the edge of the water.

Bucky’s smiling and joking with Steve as he paces and skims stones on the water, because, despite his protests, Steve knows he likes it here too. Likes the feeling of freedom the view of the bay offers. Steve knows this because Bucky’s told him as much, during one of those evenings where Steve is sitting on Bucky’s couch, tucked up against the larger man’s side as he’s recovering from some illness or other and is too weak to be left alone in his apartment, when the sun has set long ago, but sleep has evaded the both of them, replaced instead by hours of talking and huddling together to keep warm, the darkness offering an air of seclusion that invites them to share stories and dreams that they may be too shy to discuss in the daylight.

After a while of watching Bucky, attempting to capture on his sketch pad the subtle way the other man's shoulders seem to lift as the tension in his back is lessened by the sense of freedom offered by the bay, Steve gives up and places his pad and paper to one side. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to create the version of Bucky he sees accurately – it’s too personal, too real, to pin down in one image.

Instead he leans back on his elbows and raises his face to the sky, letting the watery sun hit his face, and focusses on breathing in the cool air.

He’s not sure how long he stays like that, but, after a while, he hears Bucky making his way back over to him and smiles, keeping his eyes shut.

“There ain’t no way you’re sleeping like that,” Bucky laughs as he sits down heavily on his jacket beside Steve.

“Nah, just enjoying the fresh air.”

“Fresh air? It smells like shit here.”

Steve sighs and opens his eyes so he can roll them at Bucky.

“I know, Buck, you tell me that every time. Maybe I was just enjoying the peace and quiet.” He raises an eyebrow at the other man pointedly.

“Nah, if that was true, you’d come on your own.” Bucky gives him one of his trademark smirks, confident that he’s right that Steve prefers it here with him. And, yeah, he _is_ right, but he doesn’t have to be such an arrogant _jerk_ about it.

“Maybe I will next time,” Steve retorts, but there’s no heat behind it, and they both know it’s an empty threat.

"Yeah and maybe one day I'll take to you to see the sea for real. Go where there's a beach and everything. Bet that'd cure you of all your ills." Bucky smiles down at him and Steve finds that his voice is caught in his throat. He allows himself to imagine it for a moment - him and Bucky sometime in the future, still together, just the two of them, sitting on sand and watching the waves roll in. It makes his heart hurt with want so he forces himself back to the present.

Bucky carries on talking, seemingly unaware of Steve's reaction to what he'd said.

“You know, with your bad health you should be an indoor person. I dunno why you insist on bein’ out in the cold so much.”

Steve manages to get out a response, the familiarity of this particular conversation helping him find the words.

“Yeah ‘cause I’m much better off in my leaky, damp apartment."

Bucky’s expression turns serious. “I told ya you can stay with me. Halve the rent. And it’s warmer.”

“Your place leaks when it rains too.”

“Not as much as yours.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say to that. They’ve had this conversation too many times. And Steve would love to live with Bucky, he really would, but now more than ever he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. And he can’t stand the idea of being a burden on the other man.

“C’mon, Steve, it makes sense. I only end up spendin’ most of my time at yours when you’re ill anyways.”

Steve shakes his head. “Don’t need looking after, Buck. You’re menta be my best pal, not my mom.”

Bucky shoves him lightly. “You’re such a stubborn asshole. I’m not tryna mother you. I just _care_ about you, you idiot.”

Steve tries to tamp down the emotion that rises in his chest again at Bucky’s words and struggles to keep his tone lighthearted.

“I care about you too. But that doesn’t mean I wanna have to put up with your moodiness in the morning before you’ve had your coffee.”

Bucky laughs and shoves him again, harder this time, Steve retaliates, and then the tension in Steve's stomach vanishes as they start to wrestle like they used to as kids.

Before long Steve starts to wheeze and cough and they break apart so he can get his breath back.

Steve looks up at Bucky - the other man's usually neat, dark hair messed up from their fight, his eyes crinkling with laughter, his cheeks ever so slightly flushed - and feels warmth and affection spread through his chest.

He wants to grab hold of this light giddy feeling, the one only comes from being with Bucky, and keep it, to stay in this moment forever and forget about the world, about his problems, about the threat of war looming on the horizon.

 

\---

 

Steve’s been through too much in his short twenty-three years of life to think that happiness can last. Not one week after that day spent with Bucky at the docks, America officially declares war on Germany.

Suddenly everything changes – though the build up to this moment, the whispers of war, of America joining the far-away troops in Europe, seemed to last for an age, once it is declared, time seems to go too quickly, slipping through Steve’s fingers before he can hold onto it and do the things he wants to before it’s too late.

There are so many things to do. He needs to get better, healthier, fitter, if he has any chance in joining the fight. But there’s not enough time or money for him to get his body to fall in line with his mind. He needs to talk to Bucky, to really talk to him, about how he feels, because Bucky is already fit and healthy enough to sign up and he can’t lose him, he’s not ready, he’ll never be ready. He needs to say goodbye to everyone at the bar, but the time to go there becomes sparser and sparser each week, and when he does find the time, most of the regulars are no longer attending, forced to sign up, shipped out, or worse.

Steve feels helpless and falls back into old habits of starting fights with assholes and getting the shit beat out of him. It’s the only way he feels he can do _something_ to help make the world a better place. If he can’t get out to Europe and fight, then he’ll do his best to stop the assholes that are still here in Brooklyn. And, yeah, maybe fighting helps work out some of his frustration, but he tells himself that’s just a coincidence, that’s not the reason he’s doing it. Not really.

There’s no time, and before he knows it, Bucky gets his orders and is leaving and there’s so much left unsaid. All Steve can do is try to get out there, to join Bucky and the fight before it’s too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if the last bit of this chapter was rushed/made very little sense - I'm a British millennial who has no idea what it was like to be a twenty-something-year-old guy from Brooklyn when the US declared war in the '40s. Please forgive me - I struggle enough just trying to remember that pants aren't pants!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading <3


	7. Missing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is purely Steve and Peggy content - if that's not your thing, then feel free to skip! The endgame is still Stucky obviously, but I do love me some Peggy/Steve too.

“I know there’s no point in me saying this because it won’t make a blind bit of difference, but you don’t have to go through with this.”

If someone had told Steve only a year ago that soon he’d be sitting on a bed the night before a procedure that promised to make him a super-human after being specifically selected by a German scientist who works for the army, well, honestly? He’d probably believe them after a while – science wasn’t his strong point and most of what came out of Howard Stark’s labs seemed futuristic and far-fetched to him. Even after Bucky had tried explaining on numerous occasions the mechanics behind a flying car it still seemed like magic to Steve. The possibility of a serum that could _enhance_ his qualities, whatever that meant, did not seem much more unrealistic to Steve, and, hell, he’d seen the flying car in person.

Had that person predicting Steve’s future then topped it all off by telling him he’d be joined that night before his procedure by one of the most beautiful women he’d ever seen - a woman who he was sure he’d caught glancing at him across the training field on more than one occasion when he was surrounded by much taller, much fitter men – now _that_ he’d have trouble believing. Weird potions created by science, sure whatever, anything’s possible. But women being interested in him when there were other guys around? Until a few months ago Steve’d had a lifetime of testing that hypothesis and finding out it never rang true.

But yet here he is, sitting on a bed in his civvies across from Agent Carter - _Peggy_ he reminds himself, _’Call me Peggy’ she’d told him moments ago as she walked in the door, ‘we’re both off-duty, this is a personal call to see how you’re feeling.’_ \- wondering whether he’s just imagining the way she keeps looking at his lips as they talk about his procedure tomorrow, or whether she really is as attracted to him as he is to her.

He realises perhaps a moment too late that he’s been staring instead of answering her and starts to panic; despite his experiences in the club over the past few months, he’s still not so much as kissed a girl in what he’s come to think of as the “outside world”. He wonders briefly if the serum will help make him any less awkward with these things or if it will just enhance that too, but shakes the train of thought off quickly before he can go too far down that path and talk himself out of this.

Luckily Agent Car- _Peggy_ \- is simply looking at him with that half-patient half-amused expression that he’s come to know so well over the past few days, and he manages to swallow his nerves and respond.

“How can you be so sure it won’t make a difference?”

She smiles and leans forward in her chair, her gaze so determined that he has to force himself not to shy away from it.

“Because you’ve spent your whole life being told that you’re not able to do what the men around you can. You’re sick of people taking one look at you and assuming you’re not big enough or strong enough or fit enough to do what they can do. Because you want to help and if not this then the other option is going home and doing a job people decide is more _suitable_ for someone like you. Because you know damn well that you’re just as capable as anyone else, and if a scientist tells you there’s a button you can press or a serum you can take that will ensure that when others look at you they see the strong, capable person you know you are then there’s nothing in this world that’s going to stop you.”

Steve lets out the breath he’d been holding as she spoke. For the first time someone else has put into words all that he’s been feeling and he feels relief that he’s not alone, but also strangely sad. He reaches out almost unconsciously and takes her hand in his.

She looks at him uncertainly.

“The procedure,” he begins, unsure how exactly to ask what he wants to, “they didn’t – I mean, were you considered for it?”

She smiles ruefully. “No. I did… enquire, but apparently the army, while ready for scientifically enhanced men with superpowers, isn’t quite ready for a woman.”

“Peggy I’m so sorry, I didn’t –“

She stops his apologies with a look and a squeeze of his hand.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Steve. I couldn’t think of a better man – a better _person_ \- for this than you. You go out there and you prove to them that we’re just as capable as they are.”

A warmth spreads through Steve’s chest at her words and he so desperately wants to kiss her, now more than ever, but he’s still not sure how to go about it. He chair isn’t that close to the bed and he can’t work out how to close the gap between their lips without risking misjudging the distance and either falling ungracefully to the floor or overshooting and banging his head into hers.

In the end, he doesn’t need to worry as she stands up and indicates the space next to him on the bed with a questioning glance. He nods and shifts slightly so she can sit next to him, her hand still in his.

“Do you have anyone back home, Steve?” she asks.

And he’s not sure whether it’s the nerves about tomorrow or the openness with which they’ve just been talking, but his brain isn’t communicating properly with his mouth and instead of answering with a simple ‘no’, an image of short dark hair and a lopsided smile comes into his head and his mouth betrays him.

“Not at _home_ exactly.” 

It takes a moment for his brain to catch up, but by the time it does, there’s already a look of confusion and maybe even hurt in Peggy’s eyes as she starts to draw her hand away from his grip.

Crap. Curse his stupid fucking mouth and his seemingly unavoidable ability to speak before he thinks of the consequences.

“No, no! Not like that!” He reaches for her hand back, but she’s already starting to stand up.

“I’m sorry, Steve, I think I’ve made a mistake, I didn’t realise you already had someone.” She’s talking more quickly than he’s heard her before in her haste to leave his room and he needs to say something to get her to stay, to make her understand.

“I was talking about my best friend!”

She hesitates and turns to look at him.

“He’s – he’s like a brother to me. I’ve known him for years and he’s out there fighting without me and it just feels _wrong_. That’s all.” 

Steve knows he could well be making things worse for himself. If she understands the meaning behind his words, he could be marched right out of this room never to return. He already knows she’s awfully perceptive and good at reading people so the chances she’ll hear something in his voice – some note of a love that’s too deep for the relationship he’s describing – are high. He doesn’t think she’ll report him, but he knows it’s an awful lot of trust to put in someone he’s only known a matter of weeks.

She holds his gaze for a long time, her head tilted and eyes sharp as if she’s reading his thoughts through his expression, and he tries to remain calm under her stare.

After an eternity, she retakes her seat next to him on the bed and looks down at her knees in thought. He doesn’t dare break the silence.

Finally she raises her eyes to his once more.

“Your friend,” she begins, “if the serum is successful, you’ll go to him?”

“That’s the goal.” Steve’s voice is barely above a whisper, as if he can somehow keep this a secret as long as he utters it quietly enough.

Peggy nods.

“Have I misread this?” She asks, gesturing between them.

“No! Not at all! God, Peggy, if you knew the thoughts I’ve had about you since I’ve been here - uh, sorry, that’s inappropriate – I just mean to say that, yes, I miss him like I’ve lost a part of me since he left, and yes, he’s the person I’m the closest to in the world, but even in the past few weeks, you’ve made me feel so many things. I can’t get you out of my head, and you most definitely have not misread anything. Please don’t leave.”

There’s silence again, and Steve reaches out to take her hand once more. This time she doesn't pull away so he entwines their fingers gently.

“Peg, I want you so much. I’ve spent the last half an hour working out how to kiss you without making an ass out of myself, and the past few weeks trying to stop myself feeling anything for you because there’s no way that someone as amazing as you doesn’t have a guy back home.”

She smiles at that. “I don’t tend to have much luck with men.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

“Really?” She cocks an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

Steve thinks back to her interactions with the other men at their base. To the first time they met when Hodge instantly challenged her authority in a way he’d never done with any of their male superiors, and to the times he’s heard the men make lewd comments at her during training when the Colonel's not around, and finds himself scrunching his nose in disgust.

“The problem isn’t your luck, Peg; the problem is them.”

“I know. Although that doesn’t always make it easier.”

“They don’t know what they’re missing out on.”

She squeezes his hand with a smile. “Thank you, Steve.”

He’s halfway through telling her there’s nothing to thank him for, when she interrupts.

“Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Want to know what they’re missing out on?”

He grins, and it’s probably not an attractive grin, in fact he can feel that it’s a stupid, soppy, excited grin, but he can’t help himself; and it only gets wider when she grins back.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter this time (with not much in it to be honest), but I'm just getting back into the swing of things after a long break from writing and wanted to include some Peggy/Steve before I carried on with the plot.
> 
> As always, thanks for reading and for sticking with me, and comments are always much appreciated :D 
> 
> P.S. Bucky will return next chapter!


End file.
